I am going to have a panic attack unless i find a white piece of paper right now.I cannot compare my situation with anything. Can't take all those words prancing over my head. Not depression, no anger, no sadness, not suicidal, not abhiman either. Apparently; not that i am not getting whatever i want. I don't feel that maddening urge to run off to the hills. Just had a visit to the Himalayas last March. Abar chailei kichu na kichu bhabe babostha hoye jabe. jamakapor nei ; tao noy. cinema to kal i dekhe elam. Adda to kal o marlam. baba ma bhalo.shoshur shashuri bhalo. bondhu bhalo.pugiya ,bugiya,piku bhalo. taka nei;setao bhalo. bappa r sathe prem bhalo. tobu mathata erom bonbon kore ghurche kano?shopping spree ache kintu kinte jete parchina erom noy. Tahole roilo ta ki?
cinema , shopping, food, travelling- none are my concerns. Money? No.Loan? Not really. Career scene? yes to some extent but not sufficient enough for me to feel this way.
I suppose i am again undergoing a metamorphosis..as if none of the above options appeal to me much. Then what does? Well, social acknowledgment does!(I can't deny nor be dishonest). Self evolution does. Finding the purpose of my existence does. What else am I here for if not get married, look after folks, have fun, eat, drink, smoke,watch theatre/movies, listen music, dress well?
I mean what' next? what's the priority list? Earning Money? yes. Having an identity (not just a corporate thing) for myself? yes. Finding who I really am? Yes. Being involved in something beyond ? Yes. Like petting. Like reading books, writing, blogging,thinking things through. Like dancing, painting, making love, soulsearching...
I am going through a time when i am best at expressing myself. Never knew I had so much to express. But i don't know in which form to express.I am going beyond everything and that too so fast. Leaving behind a load many loads. Growing exponentially...Wow!is that how you feel when you are almost jobless and about to complete the first quarter of your life just to enter the 2nd one?
As much as I can speculate, the next few years I'm gonna be at my individual best-careerwise ad creative best-expanding,stretching,pushing the horizon as much possible or even the impossible (including perhaps embracing motherhood).I want (and need) to feel powerful inside-as in empowered,as in free from everything-even from myself
Am i being too vague?Okay this whole petting thing is a great healer for me rushing up to fill the void which never existed before. I am sure there are more pockets like these-I need to identify. Something that gives me a god feeling-- reaching out to the ones are need me....Folks? maybe. Women? Maybe. Own child? Maybe. Writing? Maybe..maybe..maybe
It's a won battle already. I just need to make it more winningful :-)
