Bankrupt 18/07/2012

I love it when in life one comes to a point after having done all the hippest pubs, the Hyatts, the Parks one is flat broke and yet got plenty of love to share on her birthday. True what they say, “it doesn’t take money to share happiness”..

Thank you bankruptcy, without you I would never be able to think things through; face so many facts of life.

Existential Dilemma (08/07/12)

They say that is the only way of living..the best way...I disagree.I don't intend to be the rebel child, not anymore but guess I just lost the way back.
No matter how much I want to keep in touch with my past, it is downright irrelevant. I don't know where from all these prejudices; issues have cropped up-- but they are all uninvited yet inevitable.
I don't belong to anything,anymore ,anywhere. Neither do I want to. I do not want to buy the best house and the best paying job. I don't want to be bankrupt, workless, homeless as well. All I really want is a house that suits me, a job that defines me. I used to like travelling before but even that is sold out. "travel" has become a commodity. Thank God! there are still certain things personal...like cooking for a dear one or for yourself..like reading a book, the newspaper, petting, having a heart to heart conversation, stitching, writing--yes good options. Rest is all commercialised- "status", "marriage", "relationships", "socialising/having fun"-- thank god I am not a part of any of these..
In my earlier article I wrote about my concerns going beyond the obvious; towards the more intangible issues like self evolution and social acknowledgement. Self evolution part is fine. But social acknowledgement ..can I define it first? I can't do without it entirely nor deal with it.Hypothetically, this isn't the society I want to belong to. Or should i accept society with its imperfections? Do I have the option to choose my society? Whose acknowledgement am I seeking if the base itself is not strong enough? I don't mean to rebel against existing perceptions neither do I need to be a part of it/accept it.
So at times self evolutions is in diect contrast with seeking social acknowledgement. I still am not sure which is a greater cause--- me as an individual or me as a part of a community?
Bye for now
8th July 2012
2:00 a.m.

On tubri's death anniversary 24th June 2012

I am going to have a panic attack unless i find a white piece of paper right now.I cannot compare my situation with anything. Can't take all those words prancing over my head. Not depression, no anger, no sadness, not suicidal, not abhiman either. Apparently; not that i am not getting whatever i want. I don't feel that maddening urge to run off to the hills. Just had a visit to the Himalayas last March. Abar chailei kichu na kichu bhabe babostha hoye jabe. jamakapor nei ; tao noy. cinema to kal i dekhe elam. Adda to kal o marlam. baba ma bhalo.shoshur shashuri bhalo. bondhu bhalo.pugiya ,bugiya,piku bhalo. taka nei;setao bhalo. bappa r sathe prem bhalo. tobu mathata erom bonbon kore ghurche kano?shopping spree ache kintu kinte jete parchina erom noy. Tahole roilo ta ki?
cinema , shopping, food, travelling- none are my concerns. Money? No.Loan? Not really. Career scene? yes to some extent but not sufficient enough for me to feel this way.
I suppose i am again undergoing a metamorphosis..as if none of the above options appeal to me much. Then what does? Well, social acknowledgment does!(I can't deny nor be dishonest). Self evolution does. Finding the purpose of my existence does. What else am I here for if not get married, look after folks, have fun, eat, drink, smoke,watch theatre/movies, listen music, dress well?
I mean what' next? what's the priority list? Earning Money? yes. Having an identity (not just a corporate thing) for myself? yes. Finding who I really am? Yes. Being involved in something beyond ? Yes. Like petting. Like reading books, writing, blogging,thinking things through. Like dancing, painting, making love, soulsearching...
I am going through a time when i am best at expressing myself. Never knew I had so much to express. But i don't know in which form to express.I am going beyond everything and that too so fast. Leaving behind a load many loads. Growing exponentially...Wow!is that how you feel when you are almost jobless and about to complete the first quarter of your life just to enter the 2nd one?
As much as I can speculate, the next few years I'm gonna be at my individual best-careerwise ad creative best-expanding,stretching,pushing the horizon as much possible or even the impossible (including perhaps embracing motherhood).I want (and need) to feel powerful inside-as in empowered,as in free from everything-even from myself
Am i being too vague?Okay this whole petting thing is a great healer for me rushing up to fill the void which never existed before. I am sure there are more pockets like these-I need to identify. Something that gives me a god feeling-- reaching out to the ones are need me....Folks? maybe. Women? Maybe. Own child? Maybe. Writing? Maybe..maybe..maybe
It's a won battle already. I just need to make it more winningful :-)

My Fault

Currently reading Salman Rushdie (Midnight's Children).
As usual deeply perturbed and involved in it.Maybe people around me have no clue why I am acting so weird.
Talking in monologues.Only answering.
It is because a world away from this has crept up in my mind.
Post-independence era : (po-co literature they say) with his different version and interpretation makes me re-think
of the way India has been.Its root and where its going.
A Macro opinion from a micro point of view couldn't be more intriguing.
Just using up my remaining dwindling space with something that I love.


I know he must be wondering.Everyone is wondering.
I don't know what i am shying away from.I don't know why I don't want to face anyone right now.
I am just immersed in this imaginary post-colonial(po-co) period (no one judges me there).
Thank you Mr. Rushdie for giving me this perfect hideaway.
One of those phases when I like to be on my own.  :)

Functional Team Work

Last weekend was nice.The feeling of losing virginity as I did all the household chores for the first time.
It felt like a woman.I woke up and served him breakfast.(Since we were home alone with each other)
Put all clothes and bed sheets,bed covers,curtains into the washing machine.Spread them in the terrace afterwards.
Fed the fishes (there are 4 of them). Watered the plants.
Cooked lunch.Washed the dishes.
Made a romantic end to the day as I put 
an expensive sky colored table cloth to cover up the cracks in that old table.
Once I put the blue flower vase over it and the fabindia table mats ,the dinner table looked too good to be true.
What with all the transparent dishes ,the red bull served in the glasses,
the cheese garlic bread and the pork chops(prepared by him) and the custard tasted heavenly.
The supper was not over though.It went on throughout the night..(Thanks to Charlie Parker)
One of those days when the team worked in perfect sync.Maybe gives me the reason to accept and endure other days.

Team Work

They say it's team work.How does the team work then?
One dominates over the other? 
While the other is forced to compromise for a certain greater cause; to make this teamwork work? 
So then what happens when those droplets of compromises combine together to form that dark cloud?
The cloud grows deeper and darker..
They say Team work is all about Respect , Understanding and Space.
Respect and Understanding is mutual, isn't it?
Space.. let's not talk about it at all.The concept is getting blurry.I don't think a space of my own exists anymore.
There's hardly any space left in my left or right brain let alone physical space.


Yet the team keeps working.We keep it working.
Compromises piling up. Collective resentments gathering in a heap.Space crushed.


The team keeps working.
Waiting to realise the certain "greater cause"..